Hale and happy, Ulster County, for we have no tornadoes here. It is the morn of December 16. And today’s high temperature here in the Rondout will reach 38°.
Rain fell all through the night, melting stubborn snow from front-door steps and ice from windshields and walkways shoveled too late. Here, the rain is expected to persist the whole day, washing the streets well into the night.
The sun rises hidden behind the clouds at 7:18 a.m. It will set hidden behind the clouds at 4:25 p.m., nine hours and seven minutes long.
For anyone with business upon the water, the first high tide is at 7:10 a.m. and the wind blows seven knots out of the northeast. According to the fur trapper Dionizas, who lives on the slopes if Mount Tremper, there remain 84 days of winter temperatures ahead.
Now for the snow forecast we go out to Bjorn Jorgensen on Belleayre Mountain. What can we expect today, Bjorn?
Bjorn: Hell or Valhalla, Johannes. But perhaps we can expect hell.
Johannes: We’re off to a dramatic start, Bjorn. But perhaps not enough snow fell?
Bjorn: This is right. Thirteen inches. Never enough snow for me. Excuse me. Just think of the shame of it.
So much for the winter storm advisory, then. It’s all about managing expectations if you don’t want a sullen Jorgensen. Three inches was the snowfall most of the county saw. Well. that’s how the lying weather news media earns its reputation.
Johannes: Where did the snow fall the deepest. then?
Bjorn: Out in West Saugerties, at the foot of Plattekill Clove.
Johannes: Yes, I know the place. A river troll has taken up residence there just at the bottom of the escarpment, chasing away anyone who tries to dally on the river. Especially when they come in from the city. That’s the problem with trolls. Once they acquire land, they think even the rivers belong to them.
But we’ve wandered off the topic. How did the pine cones and bird bones and snowman voodoo work out?
Bjorn: Badly. It was a trick that Karl played on me. I know that now.
Johannes: Well. obviously. You’ve got a malicious snowman on your hands.
Bjorn: Three malicious snowmen now.
Johannes: Oh no!
Bjorn: Oh yes. But it was not just to laugh at me. I followed his instructions without suspecting his true purpose. He had me build two more snowmen just like him, convincing me they were sort of like farmers’ scarecrows to chase off the rain. While I was hanging cauldron over fire, he told me what runes to draw, and I mashed up the berries and the bark with like a mead reduction. Cayenne and gunpowder were involved. And blood, of course.
He wanted for me to cut myself, but this I would not do. He had to be satisfied with the blood from a thawing ground beef. It was very complicated, and Karl sang and muttered while I melted the icicles into the broth.
I realize now it was a convocation he was planning, of course. When the cauldron was boiling, he had me drop in the rabbit skulls and the pine cones to soak. When it was ready, he was tracking the moon behind the clouds somehow. Snowman’s intuition, I guess. He told me to push the rabbit skulls into the heads of the snowmen, and to push the pine cones into their chests.
Johannes: You deserve what you get, Bjorn, when you follow the instructions of a snowman.
Bjorn: Well, a mist began to rise off the surface of the ground snow. It became very thick, and the clouds above were also full of snow.
It all seemed rather promising. It was the longest he had ever gone without talking politics. That alone should have made me suspicious, but I assumed our aim was aligned. I was in a celebratory mood, and Karl was very solicitous that I should keep my flagon full.
Johannes: You have a flagon? Made out of what?
Bjorn: Of course. ceramic fired in a kiln.
So the mist grew thicker and thicker .… I was becoming impatient for the snow to fall, and Karl suggested that the snowmen scarecrows should have eyes of hot coals. As soon as I put the eyes in, I realized there was something strange about it, for the coals continued to glow.
Just then the snow started to fall, and I almost believed the one thing caused the other. We placed the candles in on the full moon. He wanted me to fashion them arms with the branches of the birch tree. Mostly to amuse myself. I refused. I never had given Karl arms.
He became very angry.
And that’s when I knew. I went inside for my tree-cutting axe. When I returned, he was very apologetic, and while we talked the other snowmen didn’t say a word. But they were listening.
Johannes: Sometimes an axe speaks louder than words, Bjorn. Did you ever make it to the summit?
Bjorn: That’s where I am now. Thirteen inches of snow fell over the last 24 hours, and another three to five are now anticipated. I should be happy. It’s minus one Celsius. and the head of my axe feels very cold indeed.
Join the family! 
