fbpx
  • Subscribe & Support
  • Sign up for Free Newsletter
  • Print Edition
    • Get Home Delivery
    • Read ePaper Online
    • Newsstand Locations
  • HV1 Magazines
  • Contact
    • Advertise
    • Customer Support
    • Submit A News Tip
    • Where’s My Paper?
  • Manage HV1 Account
  • Free HV1 Trial
  • Holiday Gift Subscription
Hudson Valley One
  • News
    • Schools
    • Business
    • Sports
    • Crime
    • Politics & Government
  • What’s Happening
    • Calendar Of Events
    • Featured Events
      • Art
      • Books
      • Kids
      • Lifestyle & Wellness
      • Food & Drink
      • Music
      • Nature
      • Stage & Screen
  • Opinions
    • Letters
    • Columns
    • Editorials
  • Local
    • Special Sections
    • Local History
  • Marketplace
    • All Classified Ads
    • Help Wanted
    • Post a Classified Ad
  • Obituaries
  • Podcast
  • Log In
No Result
View All Result
  • News
    • Schools
    • Business
    • Sports
    • Crime
    • Politics & Government
  • What’s Happening
    • Calendar Of Events
    • Featured Events
      • Art
      • Books
      • Kids
      • Lifestyle & Wellness
      • Food & Drink
      • Music
      • Nature
      • Stage & Screen
  • Opinions
    • Letters
    • Columns
    • Editorials
  • Local
    • Special Sections
    • Local History
  • Marketplace
    • All Classified Ads
    • Help Wanted
    • Post a Classified Ad
  • Obituaries
  • Podcast
  • Log In
No Result
View All Result
Hudson Valley One
No Result
View All Result

Bared bones

The rime of Johannes Hoarfrost: December 14, 2022

by Johannes Hoarfrost
December 19, 2022
in Columns, Satire
0

Good morning from the Rondout, Ulster County, where the ghosts of the shipbuilders, bricklayers and stevedores climb the hills for a paycheck all night long.

It’s December 14. Chipping away at another minute of light, the sun will rise today at 7:17 a.m.  It will set at 4:26 p.m. Nine hours and nine minutes of light, Add an extra nine milliseconds and make a wish. The three nines are a holy combination among the Norse.

The temperature is currently 24°, according to the thermometer hanging outside on a birch trunk under a credible moon casting a white light which reflects off the snow.

The moon will hang in the sky until it sets at 11:50 a.m. today

Now might be a good time to consider what the temperature actually feels like.

Clever scientists have gotten together some extra variables like the warm layer of air hovering around our skin like a nimbus from the heat of the circulating blood underneath. They’ve considered the effect of wind in pushing that warm air away as well as the effects of humidity, which in hot weather results in a process known as evaporative cooling. Hotter weather can up the ante entirely and cease to cool the body. Too much water in the air means nowhere for sweat to go. This is bad.

For our purposes, though, this morning’s humidity brings the cold into the bone like a watery knife.

All this to say, it actually feels like 17°. Thank you, scientists. for telling us us what we did not want to hear.

Now for the snow forecast we go out to Bjorn Jorgensen on Belleayre Mountain. What can we expect today, Bjorn?

Bjorn: I am saddened to say from what I have heard the forecast does not look very good. The weather is not cooperating and it may be that tomorrow nght’s expected snowfall turns to rainfall.

Johannes: That would be a disaster for your snowman, Bjorn.

Bjorn: And well he knows it, Johannes. Karl takes a very keen interest in the weather, and in fact it is he who anticipates rainfall. He has a gift for this sort of thing and claims he can feel it in his snow.
But you would not be surprised to know that Karl is very hostile toward what he refers to as the Lying Weather News Media. A bad forecast can be life or death for Karl, and apparently he’s been misled before. But I tell him we are higher up on the mountain and hold out hope for a wintry sleety mix at worst, which would give Karl a glossy, brittle shell. This might better reflect his interior, after all. So he has me out collecting bones.

Johannes: And what is the temperature currently on the mountain, Bjorn? Have you seen the summit?

Bjorn: I am pleased to say I have. You find me on the summit presently with the world arranged in hills and valleys at my feet in all directions. The temperature is currently – 9° Celsius, and there is a very brisk wind, I would say above ten knots. blowing out of the north. Unfortunately, there are other proud mountains which will not bend the knee. Otherwise I feel I could see all the way out to you where your river flows.

Johannes: Thank you, Bjorn. Minus nine degrees Celsius is the Fahrenheit equivalent of 15° if I’m not mistaken.

Bjorn: This is correct.

Johannes: Did you say your snowman has you out collecting bones?

Bjorn:  Yes he has suggested this. Actually, I was beginning to crave the solitude of the summit, and I don’t like to let you down. Also, I find the climb bracing and with the swelling almost disappeared in my ankle, I don’t mind saying Karl’s conversation can be unrelentingly …. well, he’s a zealot.

Johannes: You can’t change his mind, and he won’t change the subject.

Bjorn: That’s very well put, Johannes. So I have killed two birds with one stone.

Johannes: He has you looking for bird bones?

Bjorn: Actually I have found quite a bit of rabbit bones. I passed through the killing fields where I had witnessed the drama in the woods.

Johannes: Of course! Have you seen her since?

Bjorn: I have not. But I believe she hunts there regularly .… I found many skulls. Rabbit skulls do look like odd bird skulls, Johannes. Large eye sockets and then a protruding area towards the front that tapers to where a beak would be. Fangs, Johannes. Rabbits have fangs.

Johannes: And what will you do with those skulls? Crush them up into a heathen tea?

Bjorn: Karl, I believe, means to forecast the weather with them.

Johannes: Science and superstition, Bjorn. Whatever works.

The moon will rise again tonight at 10:30 p.m. It will be 61 percent full. The high tide is already past.

Low tide will bottom out at 11:13. and the second high tide will rise again at 5:23 p.m.

Check out other columns from this series.

Tags: hoarfrost almanacmembers
Join the family! Grab a free month of HV1 from the folks who have brought you substantive local news since 1972. We made it 50 years thanks to support from readers like you. Help us keep real journalism alive.
- Geddy Sveikauskas, Publisher
Previous Post

Three years after breaking ground, HealthAlliance cuts the ribbon at Mary’s Avenue campus

Next Post

Woodstock’s Michael Hunold passes on

Johannes Hoarfrost

Related Posts

America has been good to the Curtins from County Cork
Columns

America has been good to the Curtins from County Cork

January 27, 2023
Should we even be searching for another Earth?
Columns

Whether 200 billion or 800 billion, there are a lot of planets out there

January 20, 2023
Recalling the night a high school basketball team sought shelter from the storm
Columns

Recalling the night a high school basketball team sought shelter from the storm

January 7, 2023
Independent radio rebel Jeff Economy connects listeners to a wider world of sound
Art & Music

Independent radio rebel Jeff Economy connects listeners to a wider world of sound

January 6, 2023
For flora and fauna, winter is a season of survival
Columns

For flora and fauna, winter is a season of survival

January 5, 2023
Stranded in the worst blizzard in Buffalo’s history
Columns

Stranded in the worst blizzard in Buffalo’s history

January 1, 2023
Next Post
Woodstock’s Michael Hunold passes on

Woodstock's Michael Hunold passes on

Trending News

  • Onteora faces “unfathomable” choices as district’s enrollment dwindles 1.5k views
  • Who is Howard Harris, and why is he so angry at Woodstock town supervisor Bill McKenna? 899 views
  • Stockade FC will play at Marist College’s Tenney Stadium while Dietz Stadium is being renovated 889 views
  • Hunter Mountain’s ski weekend nightlife is staging a post-pandemic comeback 732 views
  • Saugerties to host inaugural Snow Moon Festival February 3 to 5 660 views
  • Rosendale Library seeks public input after Town nixes letter of support for Belltower purchase 591 views

Weather

Kingston
◉
28°
Fair
7:13 am5:04 pm EST
Feels like: 28°F
Wind: 2mph SE
Humidity: 80%
Pressure: 30.16"Hg
UV index: 0
SatSunMon
46/28°F
46/30°F
41/27°F
Weather forecast Kingston, New York ▸

Subscribe

Independent. Local. Substantive. Subscribe now.

×
You have free article(s) remaining. Subscribe for unlimited access.
View Subscription Offers Sign In
  • Subscribe & Support
  • Sign up for Free Newsletter
  • Print Edition
  • HV1 Magazines
  • Contact
  • Manage HV1 Account
  • Free HV1 Trial
  • Holiday Gift Subscription

© 2022 Ulster Publishing

No Result
View All Result
  • News
    • Schools
    • Business
    • Sports
    • Crime
    • Politics & Government
  • What’s Happening
    • Calendar Of Events
    • Featured Events
      • Art
      • Books
      • Kids
      • Lifestyle & Wellness
      • Food & Drink
      • Music
      • Nature
      • Stage & Screen
  • Opinions
    • Letters
    • Columns
    • Editorials
  • Local
    • Special Sections
    • Local History
  • Marketplace
    • All Classified Ads
    • Help Wanted
    • Post a Classified Ad
  • Obituaries
  • Podcast
  • Subscribe & Support
  • Contact Us
    • Customer Support
    • Advertise
    • Submit A News Tip
  • Print Edition
    • Read ePaper Online
    • Newsstand Locations
    • Where’s My Paper
  • HV1 Magazines
  • Manage HV1 Account
  • Log In
  • Free HV1 Trial

© 2022 Ulster Publishing