It’s April, and because I happen to be a frood this is a very special episode of Bluntly Speaking. Anyone who taps into cannabis culture knows that this month — this week, if I finally figured out how newspapers work — is one of the most important holidays for our kind: Earth Day.
Maybe you were thinking of some other day that happens this time of year, which is honestly more of a big deal for everyone else. Bit of an amateur hour, when noobs run to the dispensary looking for their arnica haze eye masks or whatever. That’s cool; we all start somewhere.
Earth Day is when the old-school heads kick off their shoes and dig their toes in the dirt, and not just to plant a maypole, either. It’s time for gardening, including the only plant that humans are more likely to steal from you than deer: cannabis!
Maybe you’d rather be growing inside. You do you. To be fair, there is probably a 50/50 chance of frost in the next few weeks, unless we all rev up our lawnmowers and finally change the climate enough to turn the Hudson Valley into tropical islands. Toes don’t lie. Either way, I smoked up a friend and started chatting about grow tips, and this time I remembered to write down most of what was said. Or maybe that was a fairy writing everything down. ’Tis the season.
Here’s some of what my friend, who’s been growing since it was a felony, said I should write down:
1. Don’t get so stoned that you forget to change nutrients in the hydro tanks. Your plants are your friends, friends and friends don’t let friends starve.
2. Don’t forget to change your light cycle for flowering. These friends of yours are plants, don’t forget. They may have feelings and they definitely can scream, but light is light, and that’s all there is. These little guys flower because it’s the season, if you know what I mean. The right light is like spinning that disco ball at Studio 420 and getting this party started.
3. Don’t forget to follow your nutrition schedule. That’s the thing the guy at the hydroponics store talked to you about when you were buying all that equipment. Were you shopping high again? You should head on back over there and find out what you missed.
4. Don’t forget to check for male plants, unless you want to ruin your sensimilla. Harsh truth: boys will be boys. Check between their legs early and often, and lay those boys down like John Barleycorn.
5. Don’t forget to monitor your temperature. You want the hot side hot, and the cold side cold. If you don’t remember which is which, most librarians know a whole lot about everything.
6. Pay attention to when you need to transplant. No one wants to walk around in pants that are too tight, and pot plants can’t handle pots that are too tight. What are you, a monster?
7. Don’t forget to sanitize your cloning apparatus. There’s a reason Oscar the Grouch isn’t depicted as a having a successful grow operation. That reason is that Oscar is a character on a beloved children’s program. Oscar’s also not the sort to sanitize cloning apparatus.
8. Don’t forget to mist your clones. Nobody likes dry weed, especially cannabis plants.
9. Don’t forget to check your soil pH. For most plants it should be in the 6-7 range. You probably bought a tester with your setup.
10. Don’t forget to raise up your lights, or you’re gonna burn the colas of your plants.
11. Don’t forget to write down your breeding programs. If you grow something that leaves you forgetting your name, you want to know how you got there — even if you never want to go there again.
12. If you can’t see clearly enough to do your fine trimming, your trimming will not be fine. Most home growers these days need reading glasses on the regular. Don’t act like you don’t. Use a magnifier.
13. Finally, don’t be so jonesing that you cut early samples. Gotta let nature take its course. Well, now that I’ve actually read what I wrote, it looks like my friend is the you that’s doing you and growing inside instead of out. Probably a good idea. Growing outside means you have to keep the deer and the groundhogs out of your stash. It’s always awkward to find a gopher that’s so blazed you could blindfold it with dental floss.
Toke smart, toke hearty, but it’s best to toke with friends if you want it to be a party.
Join the family! 
