Have a smear, far or near

Product: Restore THC balm 

Producer: Gen V Labs, LLC 

Cannabis content: 1,000 mg THC and 1,000 mg CBD per serving; depends on what you’re serving it on total 

Cannabis variety: unspecified 

This is the first time I’ve tried cannabis that wasn’t supposed to go in my body. This is some kind of weird gauzy dream reality where all the joints smell like Ben Gay. Guess that’s what happens when you legalize this stuff and find out how many wrinklies use it for pain and getting old. 

Anyway, this balm smells pretty nice, Ben Gay jokes aside. It’s also a lot more natural, and doesn’t have the eye-watering camphor burn of that old-timey product. I tried it everywhere I have skin, and I can tell you that it’s definitely safe for external use. 

I’m trying to get more snooty about this stuff, because all the vendors like to throw around their “terp profiles” while I just wanna know if it’s dank or not. Some of this product info doesn’t make sense, though. Under “dominant terpenes” for this balm are listed eucalyptol and camphor. Uh, those aren’t terpenes at all. Linalool is, and pinene for sure, but what are we doing listed that other stuff there? It’s just what makes me smell old when I use it. It’s cool that it’s in there, but if you want me using your buzzwords then I’m actually gonna read about what they mean. 

First time in I followed the instructions by applying it to “affected areas” and “pressure points.” Honestly, I felt a buzz, and I was like whoa! if I thought this was going to get absorbed through my skin I’d have saved it for Bicycle Day! Truth is, the first time I tried a pure CBD gummy I got a rush, too. Maybe my brain is just primed or something. 70 years of smoking the seedy stuff can change a person. 

I think the point is that it’s supposed to pack that terpene-and-camphor old-person THC/CBD punch right to the arthritis, or the old football injury, or that time everyone told you that you bowled a 400 and you couldn’t remember much and you were never very good at scoring bowling and actually it wasn’t sure if they were talking about bowling or bowling anyhow. 

Even though I joke about the smell, I really dig it. As long as I keep away from koalas, anyway. They might chase me right up a tree for a lick. Once I got past the spirit buzz, other body parts were like hey hands, how bout you hook me up with some of that slather? Turns out even if your short-term memory is shot from this and that, the body never forgets those Ethan Frome moments. I tried it in all the safe places, tried the unsafe ones, and thought I was in the clear when I rubbed it on my temples, but then it got in my eyes. 

I’m just gonna say: don’t do that. Don’t eat this stuff, don’t coat the inside of your pipe with it, don’t melt some and put it in your bong water, and do not put it in your eyes. None of that’s a good idea, at all. 

Product reviews are serious work. I always start by taking some time to use it without distractions, and writing down first impressions. Usually I end up taking a bit more while I’m typing away on my Rooney-edition Underwood, but the keys are getting all slippery this time and I am dkinga relgtreting that decision. It’s alsomst as if I’m tyhrping liek I don’t know how to write in Egnlish at all. 0/10 do not reocmmenda typing adn balming. 

One fun thing I did with this was to cover myself with it before trick-or-treating. If you got a knock on your door on Halloween and the masked person smelled a little bit like a high koala, you may have actually met Jackie Paper. 

It’s okay to stay straight, friends, but try not to be narrow.