Two friends, people I still love, are no longer my companions. I hope the relationships are suspended rather than over forever. Both connections ended partly for ideological reasons. Although throughout our long histories we enjoyed similar positions on politics and philosophies of life, when Covid, Trump, domestic crises, disagreements about vaccines, the wars in Ukraine and Israel occurred, the demand for fundamental agreement to the nth degree became a game changer for many people.
With both my friends, there was no space for moderation. Although I believe in police reform, I could not make a statement such as “not all law enforcement agents are bad.” My friend, a fellow Caucasian, a person enduring many challenges, called me “a white bitch” and hung up the phone. I think about him every day. I miss the good communication we used to enjoy.
For decades, my other friend and I were similarly critical of American policies we both agreed were unjust. Although I could see the veracity in her point of view, my agreement was never total enough to stop the arguing. There was no room for new ways of perceiving, no possibility for nuance.
“Putin was correct in invading Ukraine. Ukraine is not a sovereign state and has always been a part of Russia. America is to blame. Democracy and capitalism are causing all the world’s problems. The political system in America needs to be toppled.”
Two life-long friends, also creative collaborators and artists, disagreed about the efficacy of vaccines. One had a compromised immune system, the other a vehement anti-vaxxer. In order to continue to function as friends and artists, they needed to inhabit the same space. Instead of negotiating with good will, finding a way through distancing and masking to come to a meeting of the minds, their friendships ended.
Two brothers have not spoken since January 6, 2021. “What policies do you like that obliterates Trump trying to overthrow the United Sates government? A rapist? A person who does not pay his employees? Doesn’t pay taxes! Subverting the election? Trying to turn the justice department into his personal policing force?
“Trump does some stupid things, says a lot of dumb things, doesn’t keep his mouth shut when he should. But for me, he is my personal weapon against the system. I am tired of seeing America not for Americans anymore. He is going to keep us out of foreign wars!”
The New York Times reported that the Palestinian/Israel conflict has divided Jewish families based on right/left politics and also age, with younger people generally more pro-Palestinian than their older relatives.
There is no shortage of frightening polarizing issues to disagree about nowadays.
The more emotionally invested people are in a belief, the angrier they become when their convictions are challenged.
I started out angry at my two friends. The hostility occupied all my psychic space, obliterating the more vulnerable emotions of fear or sadness lurking underneath. Anger momentarily can feel like power, fear and sadness feel like confusion and weakness. No wonder we will sacrifice love over and over to worship at the altar of righteous rightness.
At the inner core, my assuredness masks a sense of profound helplessness and anxiety about the world. I cannot change the list of what is frightening: Another Trump presidency, more wars, unresolved climate issues, new pathogens. As absurd as it is, if I can convince another to see the world as I do, my discomfort can be relieved for a brief, albeit illogical moment.
During the holiday week, I kept fighting off the desire to contact my two alienated friends and at least wish them a happy holiday. I composed the missives in my mind, finally settling on leaving it as is, the status quo. In the months since, more events to disagree about have emerged on this troubled planet.
I am sad. I miss them. At least I have been able to find out through surreptitious means whether or not they are alright. I wonder if they wondered the same about me?
These caring friendships could have continued if we didn’t throw insults, or refuse to respect a differing point of view. If we put tenderness towards each other in the place where anger and fear resides. If as a human race that could happen there would be so much less to disagree about, wouldn’t there?
Join the family! 
