The second annual Brawl Under the Stars proved even bigger than last year’s extravaganza, as eight of “the Hudson Valley’s toughest and roughest arm-wrestlers” were ready to rumble in front of a few hundred brave gawkers who filled the courtyard at The Water Street Market in New Paltz. Like last year, the event proved a wild mix of the audacious and the Bodacious (T), who, along with Mr. Stripes the Referee, was a manically sarcastic co-MC for the event.
With Carl the Judge Weldon overseeing the performances, the crowd got into it early on, even before the arrival of the first match between Fightin’ Annie McGee and her entourage of drunken and battered leprechauns, soon followed to the “ring” by Roxy Balboa, surrounded by her “fight handlers” and calling out “Adrian!” to the SRO crowd. In a tough battle, Fightin’ Annie prevailed.
Next up was a more antagonistic pairing. Veteran Kotton Kandi, carrying a one-pound Sugar Daddy candy and led in by her dancing, swirling intergenerational candy-colored entourage, was pitted against the severe disciplinarian The Teacher, complete with a quiver of 36-inch rulers to mete out punishment to her entourage of schoolkids. With left- and right-arm dominance, The Teacher overwhelmed the Kandi-girl.
Two new brawlers were featured in the third match. Alice the Vagitarian came with her entourage of “vagitables,” chasing two groupies dressed as “meat” out of the courtyard. Alice then delivered a “vaggie” monologue to the hissing crowd. Her opponent, the amazonian Milk-O-Maniac, had no entourage. She squeezed milk from her (fake) breast into the face of Alice, as a colleague holding a baby exhorted (extorted) the crowd for money for the non-profit Girls Inc. Holding a baby bottle up to the (real) infant, she screamed, “Give me money or I feed the baby formula!” Pumped-up (no pun intended), our Milk Queen won over Alice, after which the Vagitarian stunned the crowd by asking for a hot dog.
The best match of the night pitted Sparkles-On-Sunshine and her entourage of yoga lovers, burning incense and asking everyone to chant “Om”, against Beelza-Barbie, the incarnation of evil looking like a Kiss band member all in black, with super-high heels, a skull shirt and black make-up. She told the crowd in a Dirty Harry growl that she was going to kill Sparkles. Sparkles responded coolly that though her opponent “had anger issues but underneath it all she had goodness in her heart.” After the laughter died down, Beelza-Barbie made quick work of Sparkles. It was no contest. Evil beats Sparkles every time.
Girls Inc. inspires all girls to be strong, smart and bold through programs that help them navigate gender, economic and social barriers, with research-based curricula that equips girls to achieve academically, to navigate media messages and to explore their interest in science, technology and math. The network of local Girls Inc., a non-profit that serves over 125,000 girls annually across the USA and Canada, develops programs that encourage girls to take risks and master challenges. Programs (beside those mentioned for academics) also address pregnancy and drug-abuse prevention, media and economic literacy, and violence prevention. For information go to https://girlsinculsterdutchess.html or https://www.girlsinc.org/support/donate.html.
Hudson Valley Brawl is a part of CLAW USA, The Collective of Lady Arm Wrestlers, an alliance of theatrical, philanthropic ladies arm-wrestling leagues committed to promoting the movement around the world.